Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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