did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
