all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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