if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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