ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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