you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize