im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
