Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
