I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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