Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
