I wish i was in the wii world.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
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