you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
