please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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