you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
