you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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