You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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