i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Randomize