just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
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