Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
This house was built for laser tag.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
