drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I would fuck him just for his dog
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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