Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
