I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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