Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
