I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
