Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
