I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
