What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
