apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
