You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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