hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Randomize
