My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
