dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Randomize
