My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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