hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
