Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
