Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
