He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
