Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
