Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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