she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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