he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
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