Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
