I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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