Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
