Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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