I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
