Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
He kissed a someone with a penis
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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