I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
