just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
