you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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