He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
