Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize