He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
