if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
