Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
