If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
i drank out of a bidet.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
