May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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