It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
