we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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