I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
