Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize
