This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
