I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize