i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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