Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
